Love & the Battle Within

I have always been pretty transparent in my posts; I guess this is part of my personality. I also tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve. Sometimes, I wish I could hide what is going on inside of my mind and the turmoil I sometimes experience in my spirit. Some would consider this a sign of weakness, or even spiritual or mental unstability. I have come to realize we are all different and handle situations differently - of course some better than others. Many times I wish I could be that rock that just keeps on going without letting others "see" my struggles but I am who I am. My point in sharing this is that for the past several months I have been really down. The devil had me really down ... I almost let go. I felt like I just couldn't take it anymore. But, God's mercy kept me. As I look over the past several months, God was right there in the middle. And, he was always speaking, warning and He kept me.

I was so far down that I was beginning to question who I was, question my faith and if there was a God, because I just didn't understand. I have served the Lord with such zeal and conviction but there were still unanswered prayers and serious battles, I started to become bitter and as I began to give up and question where God was - the enemy swooped in and thus a warzone in my mind and spirit. I took the long road and was filled with rebellion and disobedience.

Last year in one of my first posts I wrote about love. I began asking God to reduce me to love and every since then I have been on a journey and I still am. I want to briefly share what the Lord revealed to me recently. At a moment when I felt completely reduced to nothing, I sat down and opened my bible and began reading 1 Corinthians 13. I replaced the words "love" and "it" with my name. I was also reading a devotional and this quickly jumped off the page, "the absence of love leaves a devasting void." Love Dare. It was at this moment the Lord spoke.

Now, the real epiphany here is that my battle really has nothing to do with my marriage, or loving my husband. It has everything to do with the emptiness and void I have felt my entire life and can never seem to satisfy .... it's allowing Christ's love to really penetrate to my very soul. I couldn't love others and allow them to love me because I didn't know how to let God love me.

I've been missing it! Agape Love - Christ's Love. "When its not present spirituality becomes superficial, your benevolent deeds self-centered and your sacrifices insincere." Love Dare. I had left doors open because I truly would not allow the Lord to fill me with His love. I didn't know how.

I truly believe that this is a battle that many women face. They spend their entire lives looking for someone or even something to fill that void, it could be due to a number of reasons - even childhood experiences. I'm not sure why it has taken me down the road less taken or why it has taken me so long to reach this point, but I do know that now I can be transparent with my Lord and continue to allow him to break through all my layers so I can truly be full of His love ... to the depths of my soul. It's a journey for me, a process. Praise the Lord for those who have been able to truly walk in agape love - but for those of us that have layers for God to peel off just know that you are not alone.

I am taking it one day at a time and when I wake up, I praise the Lord and continue to ask Him, "Lord, I want to know your Love today. Fill me with your Love so I can truly love others and receive their love."